The author explores her own mixed-race identity by asking: Where do I come from? Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going?
Learning
I personally find my Spirit centre in nature, in the quiet, among trees and other beautiful and diverse creations. I am coming to realize, however, that my familiarity with and comfort in nature differs from many others because of who I am and where I come from. As the mixed-race child of a Guyanese mother and a White-Canadian father, I straddle two worlds—my ancestors were colonizers, and also those who were colonized. As society begins to talk about race more openly, a lot has become unravelled in me, and I’ve needed time in nature—now more than ever—to reflect on what John Rice, an Ojibway Knowledge Keeper, describes as universal life questions: Where do I come from? Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going?
Where Do I Come From? Growing up, going camping, skiing, and hiking was not the norm for me. Being raised by a single Black mother without a car meant that I could often only venture as far as my bike would take me. While my father was in my life, I enjoyed nature at his family cottage, but only later learned about one of several First Nations communities nearby. I discovered that the Saugeen First Nation peoples were forced to vacate the land to make room for non-Indigenous peoples. In these spaces—originally the homelands of Indigenous peoples—my mother and some racialized peoples did not feel welcome. Too often, when racialized people explore these types of spaces, microaggressions are evident: There are sighs from White people about racialized people not doing things “the right way,” about us “taking over” the space, or God forbid, barbequing in a public space. Years later, I left Toronto to create distance from my family and the fallout of its own intergenerational trauma and dysfunction, stemming from systemic and internalized racism and a colonial past.
Who Am I? After 12 years of calling Ottawa (the unceded territory of several Algonquin First Nations) “home,” I am reexamining my own mixed-race identity. In the comparative Whiteness of Ottawa, I yearn for the deeper kinship of other racialized peoples. I am learning that if I’m not more vocal about my own and my daughters’ mixed-race identity, that we risk blending into Whiteness…our beautiful and strong ancestors’ journeys forgotten. I ask myself, “How can I awaken my daughters to the long and triumphant, painful and tragic, journeys of their ancestors, particularly those who survived enslavement and indentured servitude?’ How can I introduce them to the beauty of their heritage while also helping them to understand that they navigate and experience the world differently because they are often “White-assumed”?
Why Am I Here? I struggle with finding an identity and spirituality that fit. Mixed-race identity can have a way of making you feel like you never truly belong. I ask myself, “Why haven’t I explored Gatineau Park, as other predominantly White and affluent people might?” My answer used to be “I’m new to Ottawa,” or “I have young kids.” But these reasons don’t seem to deter other people. After longer reflection, I realize that the real answer is, that I haven’t always felt comfortable in these spaces; that it’s hard to really enjoy them knowing that they are stolen lands, and also knowing that not everyone feels that these spaces are for them.
Where Am I Going? I am beginning to take time to explore Gatineau Park to connect with Spirit, develop the endurance to take on the challenge of racism, and teach my daughters that equitable access to these spaces is work that still needs to be done. We are learning together that, despite great benefit for all, calling out racism has a personal cost. It is exhausting work to help people see how racism is subtly, but continually reinforced to maintain Whiteness as the status quo. My soul needs replenishment in nature and community with other racialized peoples to continue the journey.
Faith Reflection
Spirit, help me to understand who I am and where I have come from so that I can best understand where I am going.
Let the beauty in the diversity that we behold in nature also be recognized among and within us.
Let me create spaces for others to bask in your creation.
Help me to strengthen the energies of those who aim to do the same.
Living It Out
Explore stories and platforms that focus on a multiplicity of identities, particularly being biracial or mixed race. I personally have found the following helpful in my own journey:
What resources may be helpful for you in your own journey?
—Danielle Rolfe (she/her) is a mixed-race Guyanese Canadian who was born and raised in the diverse “Rasta-Pasta” (i.e., Oakwood-St. Clair) neighbourhood of Toronto, Ontario. Danielle lives in Ottawa, Ontario, with her husband and two daughters, and she calls First United Church her spiritual home. Danielle is passionate about equity and social justice issues, and is involved in documentary filmmaking, community ministry (Soul Space), and community-based health research with underserved communities to animate this passion. She is involved in anti-racism awareness and education initiatives within the United Church and Ottawa communities, but she gets most excited about developing individual and group healing opportunities for racialized peoples.
This reflection originally appeared in 40 Days on Anti-Racism 2022.